I Think I Know Myself Then Turns Out I Don't

It feels like whenever I feel sad, I'm always distracted to something else. My surroundings don't even allow myself to feel the sadness wholeheartedly and comprehend the situation. This after this, then that, then back to this, the next is that; even the smallest matter can distract myself from feeling my own sadness. Even the smallest thing can make me feel excited and exhausted. I am overwhelmed by so many feelings I started feeling numb. No, I don't think numb is a right word. I feel like a robot with so many buttons of feelings. Push that, then I'm gonna smile until my cheeks hurt. Press that, then I'm gonna scream with a raging storm within. I feel so many things all at once. I am so easily distracted that I can't control my own capability to feel the emotions.
But the sadness waits. It waits and silently gathers the ammunition to take revenge. It waits while multiplying themselves, layer per layer, taking so much space. They feel enough being ignored. They wait and arrange the strategy with one objective: to make me grieve.
I am so afraid.
I am so scared of myself.