To Quote Sarah Kay: I Still Write You, I Don't Know How Not To

Hi, Dad. How are you? I hope things are good there.

You know, Dad? This morning I woke up crying. I don't know why but I think I just miss you. I used to wonder, how could we love and hate one person at the same time. I thought maybe because we as human being are forced to play so many roles, and some roles may not align with the others. That's why we can have mixed feelings toward someone, because of multiple roles they are playing.

Like at that time when I loved you as my father, yet I hated you as a man.

I used to hate you so much, when I witnessed it by my own eyes how you broke our trust, when I had to swallow the bitter pill; that some people aren't just as perfect as you think they are.

Or maybe no, hate is a strong word. Maybe I just didn't like you at that time. You once said to me that this world is a cruel place for women, and now I understand that it also meant to be an apology. I even remember the promise that I made years ago, that if I got a man like you, I would rather be alone forever. :))

But now, I think I can understand you a little.

Because life was indeed so exhausting, wasn't it, Dad? Because we kept doing it wrong. Because we kept saying things we shouldn't say and kept doing things we shouldn't do. I used to think that you played so many roles in life, but now I realized you didn't. You were you, full of mistakes and flaws, just a human being who kept trying to figure out what was really going on. It's kinda sad that I just realized this when you were already gone. Now that I'm living it myself, I finally understand that life is indeed so cruel and adulthood is so tiring. It wears me out to the bone, and I keep crying every night because I am afraid I've been getting it wrong.

But you fought hard, Dad. You fought hard and you really did it in your way. I sometimes imagine how would it be if you were still here somehow. Maybe we could figure out this shitty life together, and keep laughing at it, because we're both completely clueless and confused.

Now whenever I achieved something or maybe messed it up in some ways, I always think about you. I always say this to you as if you'd hear me, "Now that I am here right now, you are not here anymore."

I miss you, Dad. I really miss you it fucks me up. Could you please come to my dream and tell me what to do?


(I'm writing this while listening to your favorite song: My Way by Frank Sinatra. I am crying and singing, feeling your presence yet at the same time fully aware that you aren't here.)